Sunday, August 15, 2010


My greatest fear has not come to pass, thank God, and hopefully never will. However, a more short term fear has indeed occurred. I thought that by verbalizing it, or at least writing it, I would be better about it. Specifically, I didn't think I would be so hopeful, and hovering waiting to see some progress.

There's definitely an advantage to it, and the advantage is I spend more time playing with my adorable cooing baby. I just wish I didn't wish so hard for something, and just could chill and let it develop. I think I may see some progress, as far as my face, if I keep enough distance, but I'd like to shake a toy in front of his face, and see him follow it.

It'll come. I'm sure of it.

Thursday, August 12, 2010

Relief But No Resolution

The doctor told me exactly what I suspected she would. Let's wait.

Waiting is good if you think waiting will get you the outcome you'd like. She said she saw "nothing remarkable.' Not normally what you want to hear about your kids, but in this case, I'll take it, in fact, I'd say it's a good thing.

Is there a small piece of me that has a bit of doubt? Yes, but it's really very small. I'm pretty sure that from a distance he can focus and even track, but like I've said before, I don't want that to be wishful thinking.

I definitely feel relieved to some degree, and I just want him to get to a good point with his vision, I'll just have to be patient.

Tuesday, August 10, 2010


Tomorrow we go to the doctor. I am very thankful that we didn't have to wait until the twenty second of September. I hope this is a whole lot of nothing, and just something he will quickly grow out of, I find myself scared.

I'm afraid. I want him to see this beautiful world, and I want him to navigate it well.

My biggest immediate fear? Tomorrow brings no real resolution. That we end up with a lot of wait and see. After that? I'm afraid I'll want to see progress so badly that I'll interpret things that aren't anything into something. I'm afraid that I will keep my son at arms length, because of the feelings of fear he conjures,that I will perceive him differently, I will love him, no doubt, but each interaction, diaper change, bath, feeding, holding, playing, will be so weighty,and imbued with such longing for him to be ok. Of course I will accept him and love him no matter the outcome, I will just need to work on dealing with him, without constantly worrying that "he's still not..." or "when will he?" Hopefully none of this will be necessary, hopefully they will diagnose him as delayed, and give me a timetable.

I am afraid, but I'm hopeful. And I'm not afraid of that.

Wednesday, August 4, 2010

It begins

We prayed and we waited a very long time for our little boy. Thank God we have six beautiful girls, and we love them to pieces. we were blessed with a son 9 weeks ago. He is healthy happy and cute, but he doesn't track objects with his eyes and he doesn't stay focused either. I want to keep track of this process, for me, and maybe one day my boy.

Have you ever prayed, really really prayed for something, and then you got it? It's the most amazing feeling in the world, to have something in your life that you wanted so much, but was pretty much out of your control to get, and God smiled upon you, and said yes. You feel loved, and you feel like your prayers really mattered, and you wonder what you really did to deserve it. Was it the prayers for someone else, two years before? Was it the charity you gave despite your own economics changing? Sometimes no is for the best too, but I'm glad I wasn't faced with needing to accept that. The only problem is, I wanted this so much. So much, and I have him, but I'm terrified of losing him.

I noticed at about seven weeks, that he didn't seem to hold his gaze, and that he didn't follow toys when moved across his field of vision. But he did smile, socially, meaning, on cue when I spoke to him or smiled at him. Could he learn that if he didn't see? He also has one eyelid that is very "droopy" and may, at the beginning at least have covered his one pupil, which I would assume would affect his sight. At his 9 week old well check up this week, I told the doctor about these issues and she did seem very concerned and suggested I go to a pediatric ophthalmologist. I was planning to go anyway about the droop eye, so now I'll go for both.

So now we wait. Until Wednesday. Thank God it's not that long of a wait, though originally they gave me an appointment for mid September and I pushed for earlier so they are squeezing me in. I did some research and I'm hopeful that it's just a delay in vision. I spoke to my brother in law, who is a pediatrician, and he told me not to worry.

Not to worry. All I do is worry. I can't look at him or hold him or play with him or feed him that I don't worry. I vacillate between can he see?, and I think he can see. Am I convincing myself? Well, he smiles and coos at all the right times, but I left him on my bed the other day for five minutes and when I came back he was smiling and cooing at himself. That's a good thing, but if I'm holding out hope that he is doing it on cue, then that kind of smashes that theory to pieces.

I'm almost afraid of him. But mostly it's that twinge inside of me when people coo at him, and look at him expectantly. They mostly can't tell. Inside I scoff when a toy is placed in front of him, but truthfully, I think he can see, I think he may not know how to look. I spoke to someone who just told me of two kids she knew with this problem and thank God they are fine now.

I feel like I'm grasping at things, just waiting for a sign that everything is OK, and he'll be all right. I think he can see, I think maybe he doesn't see well. He's a baby,he is nothing BUT potential, and we will work to achieve the fullest he can, whatever that may mean for him. I just want what is best for him, and I want him to be OK.

Wanting the best becomes another, "issue." The doctor. I'm using someone local, who I vetted through a referral agency, and she gets high marks. However, I have a few people telling me I MUST use this other person who is "the best." As my husband notes, "are there numbers on that?" Is it a cultural thing hat it always has to be the guy who's known as "the best?" To me, this is what money is for, good health care. So if insurance will only cover one opinion and I feel I need to go to this other guy. I will. But why do people do this? Do they think it makes others feel better? Because it doesn't. My daughter had emergency surgery on a broken elbow when she was three, and after the fact I was told I MUST take her to this other guy, to make sure it was done right. After the fact. Why do I have to second guess my primary guy? If they suggest someone why do I have to feel like I need to question them? Whatever this doctor tells me, I can choose to go to the other one after wards. It's just frustrating when you have a worrisome problem, and people tell you you are not handling it right, and you're left with niggling doubts about whether you are doing the right thing. Even though what you are told was suggested by a doctor, who has the best interest of your child in mind, and doesn't receive any kind of kickback. Plus, I don't need referrals, so it's not like insurance will blame the primary office for who I choose to go to. Why? Why? Why? these questions are not helpful in health care ad post construction situations. Second opinions. They've been around forever. I'd rather have a second opinion, then blindly (excuse the bad choice of words) follow one guy, because if he's "the best," who do you go to after wards?