Monday, October 24, 2011


I need to call the surgeon tomorrow.  I saw him in April, and I don't know that I can do this without speaking to him again. I have a lot of questions, many of them just logistical

I'm trying to understand why I am allowing the fear to be so consuming. Is it so that as a parent, if G-d forbid something bad happens, I feel as though I accounted for the possibility as opposed to just putting my kid in a situation without thinking it through? Could it be because wallowing in fear let's me feel that I am doing something, as opposed to just waiting?

These reasons sound silly, but I think sometimes we glom onto an emotion so that we feel something so that a situation that is personally so momentous not be relegated to the mundane. Which it is, for the doctors and nurses, and orderlies and secretaries and insurance companies and all the others we will be in contact with next week. They will wake up and go to work, and prep dinner, grab breakfast, fight with their spouse, make plans for the weekend, and just generally have a normal day. Our day will be markedly different. That's what so odd. All these people will surround us, and be a part of our experience, and they will never remember it.

And we will never forget it.

That is not to say that they are callous or cold or even that they are not good at what they do. But they do it everyday. They come to the hospital every day. They deal with pain and loss and triumph and failure daily. We, thankfully, do not.

So this is just a jumble of thoughts and ramblings when I should be in bed.

Sunday, October 23, 2011

Getting Closer

We're about 10 days away from the big day, and my nerves are really frazzled. First, it seems as though his crease is developing in that droopy eye, but even more than that, I don't see the droop. It's scary, because I see it in the mirror, and in pictures, but otherwise doubt is creeping in.  Every time he struggles away from me when I'm changing him or dressing him I worry about the post op care. Every time he snuggles into me because he's unhappy I wonder how many days/weeks I will spend with him at my breast. Mostly I worry about his personality changing because of all this. I've heard that kids who go under anesthesia do change their personality for a few weeks, I just hope he goes back. He's so young that I wonder if a two week change could be permanent.  The real issue, is that at the end of the day this is kind of elective (though insurance is covering it as an in network medical procedure...yaaay!).

I did get some clarity over Simchas Torah. We were in shul, watching the dancing, and the woman I was standing next to glanced down at my husband holding my son, and said "so what's with his eye?" When I said he was born that way she was surprised, she asked because she thought I'd say someone bumped him with something or he bumped it himself. It didn't bother me, in fact it made me feel good that people notice. As I said, I just don't see it much.  Later hubby was sitting with the kids, and a guy who was someone's guest walked up to my hubby and first gave a whole bunch of disclaimers before identifying himself as a pediatrician. The he asked if our pediatrician was guiding us as what to do about our son's eye, espescially since he is trying to see from that eye by lifting his head, which we wouldn't want to be a habit. So hubby said yes, we had seen a pediatric opthamolgist, and that now we were going to a specialist in Columbia Presbytarian, and he would have surgery in less than two weeks.

 I don't know how the man felt afterwards, but I felt fantastic, and was so happy that he said something. So happy.  So at least some of the edge has come off, but I guess I can expect to feel this way for the next few weeks.